Dementors called Fears

I’ve been visited a lot lately by dementors. Just like Harry Potter’s scar, my scars are excruciatingly painful when these dementors called FEARS come around, uninvited and unwanted. They usually paralyze me for a while. But when they came yesterday, they stayed on much longer and took more time in tormenting me until today. I had no other option but to call in sick in the office and stay home to wobble and cry freely with all my might and soul. I lost all my defenses and positive thoughts. I could talk to bf, but this doesn’t concern him. I need to have a face off with these dementors. This is between me, my FEARS and my GOD.

You see, yesterday, January 25, was my first year anniversary in the second company I joined in. I wouldn’t have remembered till fate joked on me. I received a call from a certain company inviting me for an interview so I decided to open my Jobstreet account because I couldn’t remember applying for anything. I stopped applying when I accepted my current post last year (January 25, 2010). Then it dawned on me that it’s my one year anniversary.

Then came a big sigh. Then came the dementors. Then came the excruciating pain from a broken dream.

The scars I have are not just physical. I have scars from broken dreams, the biggest and most painful of which was when I lost a job opportunity somewhere in Europe. I dreamed of working abroad for years. That was the only good reason I stayed in a very demanding workplace such as an auditing firm for five straight years. The work in Europe was already in the palm of my hand, well almost---I passed the interviews, got accepted, had been offered a salary I could not refuse and had signed my name on a two-year contract ---the only missing piece was the working permit and I was good to go. But the working permit never came.

Already resigned from my first job, I had no Plan B or C to back me up. I was so discomfited that I just prayed for a job, any job. Then came the job offer for a development organization, or much more known as an NGO where I did some consultancy in the past. I never really saw myself working for an NGO, never dreamt of it. But I accepted the job surrendering that maybe, this was God’s will.

I resolved that I wouldn’t stay long. Yup, one year was never in my plan... that I would resume applying for a job abroad. After all, there are also job openings for accountants in the NGO world, only those countries are mostly from the third worlds, even fourth if there’s such a thing.

But an application was never sent, my CV was never updated, my cover letter remained unedited. I became complacent, in fact too complacent in my current job. I became too confident that I could do whatever was needed to do. So I came to office late knowing I can compensate for staying long and because I know that I work fast enought to finish a day’s work. There are days that I spend much more time browsing the internet than doing my work. I know this is not pleasing to God but I keep on doing it.

Needless to say, my current job has become a comfort zone. People in the organization are forgiving and appreciating. I’ve established friendships with my co-workers. The work itself, although, time-consuming at times, is manageable. It allows you to cultivate a life outside work. But it also got to the point that it became boring and I no longer find myself growing, professionally. I know I needed to do something else soon, for my sanity and pocket's sake.

There were times that I opened a jobsite and browsed for a job but never really gotten to the point of restructuring my CV to fit into the NGO world. There were times that I asked God to give me a work abroad. There were times that i asked Him his plans for me. There were times that I had been visited by dementors, yes there were plenty, too. There were times when I would scribble in my notepad: “There’s got to be more to life than this..”

Then again, there are FEARS, which are most dementing since yesterday. I fear hitting that apply button again and get rejected. I fear that I will no longer fulfill the dream of working abroad, of earning bigger to be able to share more with my immediate family. I fear of not being at par with my former colleagues who are now scattered all over the world and seeing the best of it, not to mention earning six or seven times higher than I do.

I fear that I will lose the love of my life because I’m deeply scarred and he doesn’t know about it yet. I fear that I will not live up to him because he is out there already fulfilling his dream. I fear that I will not be able to follow him because I’m stuck, I’m indecisive and a weakling.

I acknowledge God’s goodness in my life. But there are times that FEARS can be too much to handle. Too heavy to bear., too shameful to share.

Lord, I lift these fears to you. Please help me surrender these fears to you completely. Because I know Lord that you want me to live life freely, away from dementors. Lord, I want this visits from dementors to end. I am begging. :'(