31 July 2010

Saturday Morning



It's a Saturday morning. I'm having negative thoughts, again. Uhm, not exactly negatives, just thoughts on how my future will look like, more of worries I guess. Argggh, why does this feeling won't go away????

I know I've written here just two weeks ago that I should start using my energy to believe and not to worry. But alas, here I am again, falling to ungrounded worries. This hurts a lot, you know. It's like living in a bubble and wanting so bad to get out of that bubble so you can participate to a much grander world out there.

I guess, this is me again falling to insecurities. This is me again saying to myself: I don't look good enough, I don't earn enough, I don't see the world enough, I won't be loved enough. It's really an awful feeling that haunts me every now and then.

I do have faith that God is leading me into something. But these worries, these cruel, awful feeling, just stick themselves whenever they can. And my only relief so far is to cry and to beg God to please stick with me through this phase I'm going through.

Yes, yes. So much emotions on a Saturday morning. :(

28 July 2010

We ♥ Bohol!!!

Oh yes we do!!! With it's white-sand beaches, its delicious food and its friendly people, we definitely loved our Bohol adventure. And we jumped our hearts out in front of the prestigious Bohol Beach Club in Panglao Island one cloudy afternoon to prove this point. It was so much fun choreographing the jumps, setting up the camera, practicing, laughing, executing, landing, then laughing again till our stomach ached and our eyes almost teared from laughing too hard, viewing the photos then doing the process all over again! In my estimate, we might have jumped over a hundred times! 

But oh it was sooooo much fun! I'd love to jump again for the camera as long as I could do it with these girls! 


26 July 2010

We Love Earrings!!!

Oh yes we do!!! Here are the awesome and chic earrings my college friends and I used in our first and perhaps the last photoshoot. Haha! Mine was the round vintage one. :-) In support of my photography hobby, they willed themselves to be a model for a day, dressed up and gave me a pose of their lifetime. Hugs to you girls! Full album is here


I've Got Sunburns

... and they awfully hurt and sting as of this writing! But I had so much fun over the weekends because we went to see the beautiful Bohol. All the stingy feeling now is all worth it!!! Meanwhile, here's a snapshot of me at Panglao, Bohol... before the sunburns. I shall be posting more photos from that travel pretty soon. You watch out! :-)

14 July 2010

Wasting Energy on Worry



I must admit, I'm a "worrier". The past months have been a testimony to that. I worry of my future, of not being able to fulfill my dream of working abroad and experiencing the world out there, of not getting a much higher paying job, of not being able to find the "right" one, of not being able to make a difference. It's rare lately not to find me crying or fighting a tear at night, when I'm alone in my room, unguarded. But last night was different. Last night was a blessing.

I was abusing the remote control of the TV in the guesthouse where I was staying (out of town assignment again) trying to tire my eyes, my mind and my soul so I could fall asleep without worrying and crying. My thumb stopped at channel 70 when I heard  exclaiming: "Do not use your energy to worry; Use your energy to believe." He got me then and I found myself still and taking in all the words he was saying.

He spoke after of so many powerful words about worry, fear and faith that pierced at my heart, breaking the rock of hurt and disappointments. He was right on. Why dwell on worries and fears? Why not trust in The One who has a control over everything? Why tire yourselves from worrying? Why don't we reverse the use of our energy: in believing, in keeping the faith. Why, instead of expecting the good things, we succumbed ourselves expecting the negatives?

We must expect that good things are going happen to us each day. We must expect that this is going to be a blessed year, a great year. We must expect that negative things will turn out to be good.

And why oh why, did it take me this long to realize all these? Or maybe I've been hearing these words already, in different forms, but had not exactly believe they were true because I was so filled up with worries and fears. But I was convicted last night. I knew God was speaking to me. He was asking me to let go of so much unfounded fears and worries. He was asking me to shift my focus to Him who is in control of it all.

So from hereon, I'm focusing my eyes on Him. Because I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of letting worries get the best of me. I know I am special and I can offer something to this world. But I also know that I'm not in control, He is. And I know He'll be happy to see me walk in this new light.

I am finally starting to understand, Lord. :)

07 July 2010

Embrace Me Tonight Lord


Can you embrace me for tonight Lord? Because tonight I'm feeling insignificant. I'm feeling lonely beyond compare. My heart aches and breaks into thousand pieces and I never quite know how to pick even a piece. My pillow is drenched with hurting teardrops and it's getting harder and harder to breath.

It's awful Lord, not just the tears, the mistakes, the failures, the insecurities. It's more than that. It's this feeling of being nothing, of not making a difference, of not being able to rise up to something I know I can be. It's the broken dreams. It's the scary feeling of not being able to rebuild them, of being stuck.

Lord, if this is really just a "phase" that I have to go through, please don't let it last for long.  Because I think it's been too long. I know you haven't forgotten about me. I know you're just there. But please, I'm begging you with all the remaining hope my heart can hold. Show me some light dear Father, a tiny one will do. I badly want to get out of this phase. I'm tired Lord. I'm bruised. I'm cracked.

I don't know for how much longer I can last. If there's got to be a purpose for my existence, please give me a clue. If you really have plans for me, please give me something to look forward to---a warm embrace perhaps for tonight Lord as I continue to cry myself to sleep. Embrace me God, please. Just embrace me tonight. :(

04 July 2010

On Following God

"Follow me and I will make you fishers of men."
~ Gospel of Matthew

This one's from my old Canon point and shoot. Happy first Sunday of July! :)