31 December 2010

My 2010 :)


Before I recap my 2010, let me just give you a background of what my 2009 looked like. Maybe then you'd appreciate it when I say that despite all my musings here, 2010 was a lot better. Way way better. A million times better. Just a shoutout to God for redeeming this year for me. :)

The year 2009 was a very difficult year---with me resigning from my first job, with me breaking up with my long-time boyfriend, with me losing a job opportunity abroad---a year when everything had gone wrong! This year ended with me being jobless and boyfriendless and almost penniless and prideless.

Then 2010 came. I had hopes that this was going to be a year of rebuilding dreams and reconnecting with some people who made impact in my life. Thankfully, this year started promisingly---with me getting a new job that allowed me to travel much albeit locally. As a result, I've been to places in the Philippines I never thought I'd go to. I've met diverse people, made few friends here and there. I've earned miles from PAL! Yey! :) I'm thankful to God for giving me this job, but somehow, I know deep in my heart, that this is not yet the job I've been called for. There's a big piece missing and I will try to look for this one in 2011, God permits.

All throughout the year, I struggled with bad habits that God patiently exposed in the circumstances and conflicts I encountered. I realized that until I learned the lesson God wants me to learn, I would never graduate from the same set of trials. I also realized that God is so in love with me, He would never ever leave me, even If most of the times, I'm the most unloveable creature on earth!

On the best side of this year, I received the greatest blessing in my 28-year existence on this planet! I received the Gift of Love from God, a love for keeps, exactly the kind that I prayed for since June 2010. God truly answers prayers.

Apart from receiving the Gift of Love, I thank God this year for the Gift of Salvation. I now know for sure where He is leading me. He has been leading me to Christian life all along. And I think I am ready for this. By His Grace, I know I am.

As I close this chapter of my life, I couldn't be more thankful for God... for leading me to the best life I could possibly have, for the trials that prepared me for the one He gave me to love, for the gentle glimpses of how great life can be when He is in my life, at the core center of it, breathing and living for it.

The best is certainly yet to come.

30 December 2010

That Day

Note: This note was posted in my FB in 3 January 2011, but for this personal blog, I have posted it the day it happened, the day Rolando and I officially became a couple.
***

 “I love you," he said, not for the first time since he confessed his intentions and crossed the line of our six-year friendship, but for the first time on that particular day (December 30, 2010). In a move that suprised us both, I finally uttered the words he waited patiently to hear for months---no hesitations, no stopping to reconsider, no more risk assessments, no more what ifs.

A moment of great silence enveloped us followed by mishmash of emotions.  I was scared, I was happy. Suddenly, everything that happened in the past---failed relationships, broken dreams, hurtful pruning from God---made sense.

As he locked me in a bear hug, still acting crazy and not absorbing the whole thing, I thanked God for the gift of Love and for answered prayers---my prayer, as a friend years back that he’d be able to meet Christ, my prayer that I’d be able to meet the right one and his fervent prayer for my YES.

I thank you, Author of Love, for writing this piece for him and me. May your other grander plans for our lives come true according to Your will.
    ***

Its all so strange. How can it be?
All along this love was right in front of me!
And for the first time, I am looking in your eyes.
For the first time, I am seeing who you are.
I can't believe how much I see,
When you're looking back at me.
Now I understand what love is...
Love is... For the first time.



10 December 2010

We remember moments



I have welcomed December with all my heart together with all the things attached to it: 13th month pay, chilly air, longer nights, glittery lights and grandeur christmas trees, amongst all other christmassy stuff.

Oh dear life, thank you for being so goooood, awesome gooood to me lately and sending me all these awesome moments to record in this online diary of mine, save for later recollections in life.

Cherishing every moment of it, 
Lai

26 November 2010

Can't Get Enough of You (*_*)

This is really mushy. UBER mushy. Sorry, just can't help to post. He has already turned my world upside down. Never in a million years would I thought and expect him to be saying these things to me one day. *Blush.

25 November 2010

Thankful on Thanksgiving Day :)

Since it's Thanksgiving, allow me to pen the wonderful things I'm thankful for in my recent life. :) Thank you dear God:

1)   for him, yes for him. :)
2)   for the good health of my old folks.
3)   for not giving up on me.
4)   for wonderful people at work.
5)   for photography
6)   for nature.
7)   for friends.
8)   for trials.
9)   for financial provisions.
10) for love. :)

Thank you as well for this sunset on a Thanksgiving day (taken on top of our house). I am one of the fortunate ones who works for American companies, thus, have today as a holiday! ;-)

24 November 2010

Won't Last a Day Without You


"When there's no gettin' over that rainbow,
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give...
But I won't last a day without you..."

Our typical day starts with him greeting me good morning. That's the cue to our day-long chat, a day of chitchats about anything under the sun... in Singapore and in the Philippines. Him in SG, me in PH or wherever it is in this planet that we feel like talking about. :)

We share everything, from the mundane tidbits of our day to the most treasured dreams in our hearts. Trivial things suddenly become the source where the sincerest and simplest of affections flow. Eat muna. Rest ka na. Bangon na baka malate ka. Drink lots of water.

Sure, our days are not perfect even if we have each other on the other line. We face challenges at work. We deal with stuff that test our faith. We walk in two different worlds where we don't physically see each other everyday. That's the reality of him being there and me being here. Long distance as they say.

It's hard now and I know it'll be harder in the next coming days, months, perhaps years. Right now though, it's enough that we know we have each other, that we can talk (thanks to technology) in any means possible without depleting him of his resources (long distance calls, I know they're expensivel.. hehe). :)

What's keeping me and us now is that at the end of the day, we know we have each other. Our talks at night about how our day went, the people we met, the things that made us laugh, keep us going. Sealing our nights in prayer is always, always, the sweetest thing in this world that I will never ever trade for anything, not a million dollar.

Yes, no matter how hard the day is, I can't last it without him. He's always enough for me. Always.

22 November 2010

It's his Birthday Today!!!

And look, we're messing around in Skype:

And he misses me: :)


21 November 2010

One Sunday at the Airport

At NAIA Terminal 2 one November day; 11:00 AM

Sipping coffee at Ka Kun Kaya, waiting for my 12:05 PM flight, surfing the net and perusing your flight itinerary with a sheepish smile on my face. Yay! You are really going home! Why did my heart skip a beat on that? I guess, I'm excited and anxious. Yes. Excited and anxious to see what lies before us upon your homecoming.

*Hush. Be still my heart.


18 November 2010

Bagay Tayo Bagay



This is how it all started officially. Well, it has started that one night in October when he met me for a dinner (you can call that a date). You may not want to read this, this is so mushy it’ll kill you. Don’t say you weren’t warned. :D


.  .  .

HIM: Me nabasa ako, sabi Nya, Hindi tayo Tao, hindi hayop. Bagay tayo bagay.
ME: Joke ba yan?
HIM: Oo, joke sya
ME: super slow ako ngayon.... sorry... di ko magets...
ME: sirit..
HIM: ano ba! Yun na nga e, bagay tayo as in bagay
HIM: I mean, gets?
HIM: Hahaha
HIM: Actually, parang Hindi kape kelangan mo, tulog
ME: WaaAaaaah... oo... sobra.. incoherent na ako...

LATER

ME: hay naku nagets ko na ung joke mo!!!
HIM: Hahahaha
ME: You think so???
HIM: Hahahaha
HIM: What do you say?

PAUSE

ME: Lam mo minsan, mas malabo ka pa sa mata ko.
HIM: Hahaha, okay.
HIM: To answer your question. I do. And I do hope that you and the Lord have the same opinion. Though I'm not going to rush my case. Pero nandito lang ako.

LONG PAUSE

ME: Sleepless and speechless...
HIM: hahaha, never mind it now. Im stupid, I know.
HIM: Wow. Irish debt crisis
ME: Don't you dare change topic..
ME: you've confused me enough already.
HIM: I think so. I think I may have to call you. Let me know if your free to talk.
ME: I’m going home na (5:30 PM)
ME: let's talk. 11:00 PM. will catch some sleep first.
.  .  .

11:00 PM. Phone ringing. Oh gosh.

“Hi...”

You were saying, “So Lai... I’m now crossing the line...”

Holding my cellphone tight, I managed to keep my heart from jumping out of my skin. I still couldn’t believe I was hearing these words from you.


The rest folks is history. :)

10 November 2010

Remembering Singapore

A good friend of mine working in Singapore has sent me these photos in the last few days via his iPhone3! I swear I'm going to get that phone when finances allow (unfortunately not so soon). On why he is sending me random photos, I'm not particularly sure. It's going to be a long story altogether if I tell you the timeline of events leading to this and you might form your hypothesis and conclusion on the matter before I can even form my own. I'm touched for the thoughts and the effort to capture then send me the images more than the photos themselves. (*_*)

I've been to Singapore twice in 2008. I've seen the glorious Fullerton and the grandiose Esplanade. These photos make me want to visit SG for the third time. I'm sure there will be A LOT of changes. Wonderful changes. *Wink.

Back of Fullerton
Esplanade Park Part 1
Esplanade Park Part 2
View from 57th floor of UOB Tower (his client's office)

For a Change



For a change, I come in at 7:30 AM! *Clap clap to me! :)

I woke up with a heart still beating fast just before 4:00 AM today and immediately began the day in prayer. Yesterday was beautiful, wonderful and fabulous all rolled into one that my heart couldn't seem to sleep while my physical being dozed off.

God you are really awesome! While I was talking to you this morning, I realized the reasons behind the mistakes, broken dreams and failed relationships. How all these things led me to where I am right now, how you orchestrated all of these to give the kind of people I need and I will love. I'm grateful God. The beautiful things that I'm experiencing right now may be too beautiful for words, still too far from reality, but they make me see the world brighter.

Still more to come to this day. :)

05 November 2010

Here Without You




"I'm here without you baby...
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby...
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah"

.   .   .

So that was one of the songs and so many things that we talked about last night. Yay! It's just 8:20 AM in the morning and already I'm blogging about you. Yes you. I am 100% sure that no one reads this blog anyway and that is including you so I think I'm perfectly safe here. :)

One of the greatest, if not the sweetest thing, I found out from last night was that you are praying for me. Just how awesome is that? I thank God for you, for the friendship. If there's got to be more to this, it's up to God's will. I'm happy with what we have, here (although we're miles apart) and now. ;)

04 November 2010

Coffee Break & Blog Break


I am very susceptible to falling in a deep sleep at this very moment that I am not allowed to rest my back on any chair or wall.  It's only 12:28 PM, I already had my lunch and now, I'm enjoying coffee over my free time---my blogging time! I had a wonderful quiet time with the Lord yesterday. I prayed in the morning, in the MRT and in the FX going home. Pray unceasingly, right? The truth is I'm hurting right now over what's happening with my career. But in times like this I realized I feel God's presence more than when everything is just normal.

I wrote in my last post that I resolve not to be depressed anymore. I'm doing just that. I mean I'm hurting, yes, but I'm not depressed. Because you see when I'm depressed, I really really look depressed. It's like there's a big cloud hovering over me. I look like a dementor!

I've been stalking one blogger and I get inspired with her blog. For one, she's a Christian. Second, she's about the same age as me. Okay, I'm one year older than her but that doesn't make a big difference. Hehe... Third, she's chic, she's a hopeless romantic and she loves photography and blogging. So my point is, I see myself in her! Only she writes way way way (like gazillion times) better than I do.

Honest, she inspires me to write more. I mean what's this blog all about right If I don't write in it more? Besides, writing is really therapeutic for me even though I write mostly about nonsense stuff.

See, I don't really have one particular subject here. I just write whatever comes to my mind. It's much better this way sometimes right?

.   .   .
Time check: 12:42 PM. I'm done with my coffee now but I'm still sleepy. I feel much lighter thought that I've poured out some of my thoughts in this pensieve of mine.

29 October 2010

Some Goody Giddy Feeling


I woke up this morning feeling so giddy! The kind of feeling when you know something good is bound to happen during the day. The kind where your heart beats so fast but it doesn't feel like you are going to have a heart attack. Then kind when you simply feels good everything else doesn't matter. Simply good, that is. Yikes, what's happening to me?

Off I carried that goody gidding feeling. Came to the office, as usual late. Saw your "good morning" message and again... that goody giddy feeling. Will something good happen from this too friendly chitchats that last for a whole day? The thing was and is: Hindi ka naman dati ganito eh!

*Sigh. I.Have.No.Idea. *Confused.

23 October 2010

For You Lord Tonight



Dear Lord,

What I'm feeling right now is overwhelming. I've tried putting them into words but words don't come easy. Maybe because I'm holding back so much or perhaps, I've overanalyzed the case. I don't know. I'm confused. I know that you are concerned for all of me and that even the matters of the heart shall be aligned to Your Will. I'm so scared Lord and I'm so happy at the same time.

This wonderful feeling strikes me every now and then, every waking moment since that one sweet night. And if this wonderful feeling is a glimpse of love, then God must have created LOVE so well. That when one feels it, it can change one’s life forever.  Someone has awaken something in me, some feeling I never know existed. But I need time. Time to figure out and time to pray for these. So till then.

Help Lord, please help me try to understand. I submit to Your Will. If You say wait, I shall. If You say no to this, would you please let me know before I let all my guard down and make something fool of myself? I'm begging Lord.

This wonderful feeling strikes me every now and then, every waking moment since that one sweet night. And if this wonderful feeling is a glimpse of love, then You must have created LOVE so well. That when one feels it, it can change one’s life forever.  Someone has awaken something in me, some feeling I never know existed. But I need time. Time to figure out and time to pray for these. So till then.

Goodnight,
Lai

My Heart on my Sleeve


Oh I don't know how to start. But I will and I shall. For my heart's sake, I shall pour out some thoughts into writing. If only this will make things a little easier in the next coming days. I have written here how uneasy I've been and how someone sent me this message to validate my being "uneasy". So it goes to say that my heart is on my sleeve with this post. Everything here will sound vague because the whole situation is indeed "vague."

I don't know how it all started. Why I'm acting and feeling this way, I have no idea. All I know is that I'm all about giving LOVE a chance. I have sent this special to request to the heaven's door far too many to have already been heard by God's messengers. But then again, I can be wrong. Right now, I'm caught between "shall I wait?" or "there's nothing there."

You see, I'm doing fine till you got here. And I managed to stay fine in between. These days, I have been trying to hold on to God's promise that He will sent His best for me at His perfect time. And surely, that moment and that person will be the good and perfect gift I have been waiting for.  Then I will know that the wait will be worth it.

Sweet Goodbye




I know you’re leaving today but I’m not expecting anything, any text, any call from you. None at all. What happened last Monday was enough to turn my world upside down. So I resolved to just leave it at that. Then I woke up to this text message:
“So Lai, alis na muna ako. Kelangan magtrabaho para may pang date tayo ulit.”
I find it sweet. Simply sweet. :)

21 October 2010

Colorful Sunrises of Misamis

So I just came from Misamis from a one crazy work-related event I'd rather not discuss here. Let's focus on something beautiful from my trip, eh? The sunrises there were breath-taking, simply breath-taking. I spent two mornings walking up as early as I could to catch the sun waving hello to that part of the world. I guessed that's the reward I got from being dead tired from that event I hope to simply laugh about in years to come. More photos here. :)

20 October 2010

Uneasy


Uneasy. Giddy. I love and hate this feeling at the same time. I won't be able to elaborate, at least not now when everything is still so young and new. This might lead to a good start, but then again, maybe not. Something's telling me this one will be different, this one will be right. And so far, it has been. But then again, how am I supposed to know? I know I've been praying for this, maybe not for a particular person but for just that "one." But then again, how am I supposed to discern? I just know that when it is right, everything will fall into place. You need not do anything about it, it will just happen. And when it's from the Lord, I know it's supposed to be beautiful, it's supposed to be wonderful, it's supposed to leave you in awe on how God can orchestrate everything. 

I guess there's nothing left to do but to let God take over and write the love story He desires for me. 

Bukidnon, a Greenland of South

Surprise! Surprise! I passed by Bukidnon! I didn't know we were going to pass by this green land after our company activity in Misaims. Or maybe I just didn't really know my itinerary or I've forgotten my rusty Mindanao geography so I didn't have a clue that we were going to pass through Bukidnon on our land trip to Cotabato!

What can I say? Bukidnon is breath-taking! It's so green that I have to name it the Greenland of the South. I'd love to go back there someday, not as a mere passersby but as a tourist. I'd love to stay longer, breath in the fresh air for days and lavish my eyes with the green fields and hills! It will really do me good! I bet it will. 

Slowing down and breathing in Bukidnon's fresh air.

Told you it's green all over.
Sleeping GiantThese mountains look like a sleeping giant when viewed aerial... ~ trivia by our company driver;)
~ The hills are alive here ~

18 October 2010

The First Date

Note: This post was back-dated to October 18th and was posted when R already told me his intention to court me. In hindsight, I now realised why I was so nervous and excited all at the same time that first date. This much I know: It was the beginning of an answered prayer. 


So here we go, this is how our first date took place (written in present tense):

***

“Hi,” I say as I sit beside him in Powerbooks, Glorietta Mall folding my umbrella and not looking him in the eye. It has been more than a year. But why do I feel nervous, I have no idea. We were friends. We still are. 

“Hi! Thanks for braving the storm,” he says as he stands up and puts the magazine back in one of Powerbooks' shelves nearby. 

Oh bakit hindi mo binili yun, ikaw talaga kuripot ka pa rin!” I tease him.

“Ha-ha-ha! Saan mo gusto?” he smiles as he leads me out of Powerbooks.

“Uhmm... ikaw, kahit saan, treat mo naman to diba?” I ask as we walk out of Glorietta. Geez, why am I so nervous? Chill, relax. It’s just him.

“Sa Shang tayo!” he says matter-of-factly, as if he has already made up his mind. Shangri-la??? Seriously. Di nya nga ako ma-treat non sa McDo! He's got to be kidding!

“Sure ka? Nakatsinelas lang ako” I say, unbelieving and looking down at my humble feet in my zebra-print slippers.

"Oo naman, don tayo. Okay lang yan!" he, too, is looking down at my feet. God, I'm thankful I had a pedicure, at least.

Then we laugh about something while walking towards Shangrila and I pat (oh well spank) him on his arm.

“Awww... ang bigat ng kamay mo ha!”

“Di mo ba ko namiss?” I say jokingly.

“Oo, namiss nga kita eh,.... namiss kita.”

Okay, this is not happening. It’s crystal clear we are just friends; we have been for six years now. BUT:
  • Why Shangri-la?
  • Why was I the first one he called when he arrived in the Philippines?
  • Why are we two alone now?
  • Why make me feel special by bringing me here?
  • Is this a date?

28 September 2010

Is it too late to fall in love?

Oh God, this is going to be one "emo" post; bear with me. I blame this post to the wedding video of Rica Peralejo and Joe Bonifacio that I had taken hold of because I accompanied my friend to this huge and famous wedding fair in the city. Their love story just made me tear up. It was beautiful, it was blameless, it was God-ordained. 


Sigh. It's like everyone round my age are all getting married or getting engaged. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends, for the love that they found and for the life ahead of them. It's just that it also gets me thinking of my chance at love someday. Sometimes, in my prayer time, my heart aches when I pray and ask God to send me the right one. I know it's the deepest longing of my heart, to be loved and love in return. 

This time though, I promised God I won't settle for anyone whom I don't see myself in the long run, whom I don't share the same faith and values with. I made a huge mistake in the past and I don't wanna waste any more time giving chances to people just because they are there. This time, I know what I wanted---I wanted God to do the leading. I wanted Him to lead me to the right one, to whom I will grow with in my faith walk. 

Is it too late? Will I ever find the "one" that is "wedding worthy"? Or maybe to paraphrase it, will God ever lead me to the aisle one day wearing a lovely white lace dress? The thing that God tells me in all of this is simple: spend time with me first. Let me mold you first to the woman I want you to become. I'll take care of the rest. 

10 September 2010

Sometimes... on some mornings

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside, remembering all the times you've felt that way."
~ Charles Bukowski


I will no longer elaborate. For days now, I've been dragging myself to step out of my room and to present myself to the world. I sure know I'm in the holding pattern. Can't move left, can't move right. Can't move forward nor backward. I have nowhere to go but this place, this moment. I have no one to meet, but these people standing before me.
 
The only consolation I get is that I know God has been preparing my heart, cleaning it up. He has torn me apart pieces by pieces so I will also know what to pick up and what to throw away in the sea of let-gos and forget-me-nows. Sure the days are hard and inspirations seem so hard to come by. I'm in this stage folks. But I know I'll surely graduate from this. I'll laugh again soon. Laugh again real hard... and loud. Aja!

Melancholy


"She indulged in melancholy, that cheapest and most accessible of luxuries..."
~ Charles Dickens

A simple reward

I've been traveling a great deal lately, albeit work-related. Just yesterday, I set foot in 3 different cities and navigated myself to 3 different airports in a span of 10 hours. For the first time in my life, I have known what being jet-lagged means. I felt hyper with all the caffeine I drank, groggy with all the transfers and when I checked in to my hotel, I felt so restless and sleepless despite the fact that I wanted to doze off so bad. 

But I love this part of my work. That I get to travel albeit locally. I've never been to Mindanao until this job so I'm taking it as an opportunity to see more of my own country. 

Last Friday, I and some officemates managed to escape work at 5 PM to climb a hill in Zamboanga City and watch the setting of the sun. I was told the sunsets uphill was lovely so I bugged my officemate to bring me there. The sun bid goodbye on our way uphill painting a warm reddish glow to the city. It didn't set where we expected it to so I had to find some ways to capture the lovely colors as a background.  

I don't mind traveling for work if at the end of the day, I will get a simple reward like this. :)

01 August 2010

Oh Panglao!

This place is too beautiful for words so I'll let these photos tell you why. See for yourselves: :)

31 July 2010

Saturday Morning



It's a Saturday morning. I'm having negative thoughts, again. Uhm, not exactly negatives, just thoughts on how my future will look like, more of worries I guess. Argggh, why does this feeling won't go away????

I know I've written here just two weeks ago that I should start using my energy to believe and not to worry. But alas, here I am again, falling to ungrounded worries. This hurts a lot, you know. It's like living in a bubble and wanting so bad to get out of that bubble so you can participate to a much grander world out there.

I guess, this is me again falling to insecurities. This is me again saying to myself: I don't look good enough, I don't earn enough, I don't see the world enough, I won't be loved enough. It's really an awful feeling that haunts me every now and then.

I do have faith that God is leading me into something. But these worries, these cruel, awful feeling, just stick themselves whenever they can. And my only relief so far is to cry and to beg God to please stick with me through this phase I'm going through.

Yes, yes. So much emotions on a Saturday morning. :(

28 July 2010

We ♥ Bohol!!!

Oh yes we do!!! With it's white-sand beaches, its delicious food and its friendly people, we definitely loved our Bohol adventure. And we jumped our hearts out in front of the prestigious Bohol Beach Club in Panglao Island one cloudy afternoon to prove this point. It was so much fun choreographing the jumps, setting up the camera, practicing, laughing, executing, landing, then laughing again till our stomach ached and our eyes almost teared from laughing too hard, viewing the photos then doing the process all over again! In my estimate, we might have jumped over a hundred times! 

But oh it was sooooo much fun! I'd love to jump again for the camera as long as I could do it with these girls! 


26 July 2010

We Love Earrings!!!

Oh yes we do!!! Here are the awesome and chic earrings my college friends and I used in our first and perhaps the last photoshoot. Haha! Mine was the round vintage one. :-) In support of my photography hobby, they willed themselves to be a model for a day, dressed up and gave me a pose of their lifetime. Hugs to you girls! Full album is here


I've Got Sunburns

... and they awfully hurt and sting as of this writing! But I had so much fun over the weekends because we went to see the beautiful Bohol. All the stingy feeling now is all worth it!!! Meanwhile, here's a snapshot of me at Panglao, Bohol... before the sunburns. I shall be posting more photos from that travel pretty soon. You watch out! :-)

14 July 2010

Wasting Energy on Worry



I must admit, I'm a "worrier". The past months have been a testimony to that. I worry of my future, of not being able to fulfill my dream of working abroad and experiencing the world out there, of not getting a much higher paying job, of not being able to find the "right" one, of not being able to make a difference. It's rare lately not to find me crying or fighting a tear at night, when I'm alone in my room, unguarded. But last night was different. Last night was a blessing.

I was abusing the remote control of the TV in the guesthouse where I was staying (out of town assignment again) trying to tire my eyes, my mind and my soul so I could fall asleep without worrying and crying. My thumb stopped at channel 70 when I heard  exclaiming: "Do not use your energy to worry; Use your energy to believe." He got me then and I found myself still and taking in all the words he was saying.

He spoke after of so many powerful words about worry, fear and faith that pierced at my heart, breaking the rock of hurt and disappointments. He was right on. Why dwell on worries and fears? Why not trust in The One who has a control over everything? Why tire yourselves from worrying? Why don't we reverse the use of our energy: in believing, in keeping the faith. Why, instead of expecting the good things, we succumbed ourselves expecting the negatives?

We must expect that good things are going happen to us each day. We must expect that this is going to be a blessed year, a great year. We must expect that negative things will turn out to be good.

And why oh why, did it take me this long to realize all these? Or maybe I've been hearing these words already, in different forms, but had not exactly believe they were true because I was so filled up with worries and fears. But I was convicted last night. I knew God was speaking to me. He was asking me to let go of so much unfounded fears and worries. He was asking me to shift my focus to Him who is in control of it all.

So from hereon, I'm focusing my eyes on Him. Because I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of letting worries get the best of me. I know I am special and I can offer something to this world. But I also know that I'm not in control, He is. And I know He'll be happy to see me walk in this new light.

I am finally starting to understand, Lord. :)

07 July 2010

Embrace Me Tonight Lord


Can you embrace me for tonight Lord? Because tonight I'm feeling insignificant. I'm feeling lonely beyond compare. My heart aches and breaks into thousand pieces and I never quite know how to pick even a piece. My pillow is drenched with hurting teardrops and it's getting harder and harder to breath.

It's awful Lord, not just the tears, the mistakes, the failures, the insecurities. It's more than that. It's this feeling of being nothing, of not making a difference, of not being able to rise up to something I know I can be. It's the broken dreams. It's the scary feeling of not being able to rebuild them, of being stuck.

Lord, if this is really just a "phase" that I have to go through, please don't let it last for long.  Because I think it's been too long. I know you haven't forgotten about me. I know you're just there. But please, I'm begging you with all the remaining hope my heart can hold. Show me some light dear Father, a tiny one will do. I badly want to get out of this phase. I'm tired Lord. I'm bruised. I'm cracked.

I don't know for how much longer I can last. If there's got to be a purpose for my existence, please give me a clue. If you really have plans for me, please give me something to look forward to---a warm embrace perhaps for tonight Lord as I continue to cry myself to sleep. Embrace me God, please. Just embrace me tonight. :(

04 July 2010

On Following God

"Follow me and I will make you fishers of men."
~ Gospel of Matthew

This one's from my old Canon point and shoot. Happy first Sunday of July! :)