Running Away... Jonah Style

Running. Yes. I am in that phase, Jonah phase. Been running from God for the greater part of this week. It's crystal clear to me what He wants to me to do: Obey Him in all aspects of my life. Go to Nineveh, He said to Jonah. But Jonah didn't get it. I didn't get it.  I couldn't seem to follow, to obey, to abide, to surrender. So I kinda backstepped, slowly, intentionally... rationalizing that I still love Him as my God, but for a while, I needed some time for myself. Not Nineveh Lord, not yet. You see I'm afraid. It's too much for me. I want to go to Tarshish instead. It would really be great out there. Nineveh would be a battlefield, certainly.

So slowly in the past days, I reduced my prayer time which was from point A (prayer in the morning and evening) downgraded to point B (mere prayer of thanks for the food I had to eat). Then went back to some bad old habits. I literally just slept through the storm, just like Jonah, oblivious to the fact that God was nudging me through the storm, through these little annoyances in the office and relationship conflicts with family and friends. 

And now. I am in that ship. Afraid I'll be thrown sooner out there to the open sea. Only this time, I know it won't be the big old whale who is about to swallow me. It is Sunday today and I missed the Sunday Service.  I know I need to come to God, confess my sins and go on. It has always been like that. I know I've been saved since accepting Jesus as my personal Lord and saviour early this year. I know I will always sin... but I never thought running away from Him would hurt this much. The truth is I hate myself. Because I already know the truth. OBEY. But I've been disobeying, sinning over and over again. There's this dark side of me that I hate so much. Then a question, "Lord why do you love me again? Why?" Then comes the answer, "I loved Jonah eventhough he ran. I searched for him, endured his grumblings, forgave his disobedience. I've been loving all the Jonahs in the world and still do."

Finally, I'm tired of running.