I'm a Canon Girl

Yes, I am! :)

Wasting Energy on Worry

I must admit, I'm a "worrier". The past months have been a testimony to that. I worry of my future, of not being able to fulfill my dream of working abroad and experiencing the world out there, of not getting a much higher paying job, of not being able to find the "right" one, of not being able to make a difference. It's rare lately not to find me crying or fighting a tear at night, when I'm alone in my room, unguarded. But last night was different. Last night was a blessing.

I was abusing the remote control of the TV in the guesthouse where I was staying (out of town assignment again) trying to tire my eyes, my mind and my soul so I could fall asleep without worrying and crying. My thumb stopped at channel 70 when I heard  exclaiming: "Do not use your energy to worry; Use your energy to believe." He got me then and I found myself still and taking in all the words he was saying.

He spoke after of so many powerful words about worry, fear and faith that pierced at my heart, breaking the rock of hurt and disappointments. He was right on. Why dwell on worries and fears? Why not trust in The One who has a control over everything? Why tire yourselves from worrying? Why don't we reverse the use of our energy: in believing, in keeping the faith. Why, instead of expecting the good things, we succumbed ourselves expecting the negatives?

We must expect that good things are going happen to us each day. We must expect that this is going to be a blessed year, a great year. We must expect that negative things will turn out to be good.

And why oh why, did it take me this long to realize all these? Or maybe I've been hearing these words already, in different forms, but had not exactly believe they were true because I was so filled up with worries and fears. But I was convicted last night. I knew God was speaking to me. He was asking me to let go of so much unfounded fears and worries. He was asking me to shift my focus to Him who is in control of it all.

So from hereon, I'm focusing my eyes on Him. Because I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of letting worries get the best of me. I know I am special and I can offer something to this world. But I also know that I'm not in control, He is. And I know He'll be happy to see me walk in this new light.

I am finally starting to understand, Lord. :)

Embrace Me Tonight Lord

Can you embrace me for tonight Lord? Because tonight I'm feeling insignificant. I'm feeling lonely beyond compare. My heart aches and breaks into thousand pieces and I never quite know how to pick even a piece. My pillow is drenched with hurting teardrops and it's getting harder and harder to breath.

It's awful Lord, not just the tears, the mistakes, the failures, the insecurities. It's more than that. It's this feeling of being nothing, of not making a difference, of not being able to rise up to something I know I can be. It's the broken dreams. It's the scary feeling of not being able to rebuild them, of being stuck.

Lord, if this is really just a "phase" that I have to go through, please don't let it last for long.  Because I think it's been too long. I know you haven't forgotten about me. I know you're just there. But please, I'm begging you with all the remaining hope my heart can hold. Show me some light dear Father, a tiny one will do. I badly want to get out of this phase. I'm tired Lord. I'm bruised. I'm cracked.

I don't know for how much longer I can last. If there's got to be a purpose for my existence, please give me a clue. If you really have plans for me, please give me something to look forward to---a warm embrace perhaps for tonight Lord as I continue to cry myself to sleep. Embrace me God, please. Just embrace me tonight. :(

On Following God

"Follow me and I will make you fishers of men."

~ Gospel of Matthew

This one's from my old Canon point and shoot. Happy first Sunday of July! :)

Just Another MRT ride

The sunset was oh so beautiful yesterday, did you notice? I was thankful for the first time to be standing inside the perpetually overloaded MRT! It's simply splendid to witness splashes of colors in the horizon after a busy working week! 

On another note, a lot of people may be wondering why I'm fond of photographing just about any thing. You see, I'm at this point in my life where I'm trying to be content wherever I am, whatever I have. I always think this year is a holding pattern for me. Last year was definitely the hardest year of my life ever and this year, I have this feeling that God just wants me to chill. Sure, there are lots and lots of days when I wish I was somewhere else, earning bigger, photographing the grander things in life. I still do cry a lot at night, unguarded. I'm still hurting for the "could-have-been thoughts". But since, I'm in a holding pattern, I better just be brave and see what these boring, limited, simple things have to offer. I may find beauty in them, I may not. The thing is, I just have to try. I may get my chance someday. 

And here are some photos along the busy EDSA:

You don't take a photograph...

Finally bought myself a camera necklace and had a fun time taking photos of it last weekend.  This one was taken in front of our house. That red bokeh there was actually my blouse hanging in the clothesline. I just love the summer afternoon light and the warmth it brings to photos. On where photography has taken me still surprises me most of the times. But I think I've fallen in love with it because it gave me a different perspective, a different lens to look at life, if I may put it that way. 

When I look at this photo, I remember my father sitting in his "kubo" and taking a siesta. I remember my nieces going about just outside the house playing with the other children in the neighbourhood. I remember just falling in love with the lemony light. Oh yep, photography made me feel cheesy and poetic like this. Like the quote says, we don't take photos, we borrow it, or to be specific, we just borrow moments. Because that afternoon and that moment weren't just mine. They too, belonged to others. 

Life is Full of Beauty

It's Friday!!! I am heartily looking forward to this weekend. For a change, there's no funeral and cemeteries  I have to go to. My last three weekends were spent attending funeral and searching for cemeteries, it's just excruciatingly depressing. I know despite all these sudden deaths, life is still beautiful. There are plenty in it that are beautiful... if we only take time to notice them.

Lord please lavish those precious people with the awesomeness of heaven. And may the people they left behind get through the grief by your most awesome grace. This I pray.

Where Am I?

At the 7th anniversary of a Christian fellowship I attended on February 26th, the speaker posted this question: "Where are you in your walk with the Lord?"

That was two weeks ago and the question still lingers. Last night, I went home asking where am I in my life in general? The recent death of a cousin has got me all thinking about my own life, how I've been living it. Am I making a difference? Am I moving towards God's purpose? Have I established meaningful relationships? What will people say about me when I die? Why am I hurting just by writing down these questions?

Maybe I'm hurting because I know I haven't done anything to answer those questions. Yes, I might have done small things to live life in a good way, to say the least, but honestly, I don't think I'm living life fully. Because otherwise, I wouldn't have to feel this way.

That night at the fellowship, I remember myself crying out to God, silently, almost begging... "Lord I don't really know where am I in my walk with you... I think I've already forgotten to dream, scared that once more, my dreams will cause me pain, not happiness... Please give me a new set of dreams... Just something to get back on, something to fuel my soul everyday... something to make me feel alive... something that will be worthy, for you and for this world..." This prayer still echoes in the deep recesses of my heart.

Missing Teas and Talks

I miss chitchats with old friends over a cup of tea or coffee. I wonder where they are and if, like me, they too are stuck in the busyness of work. Probably. *Sigh. I'm just too overworked to ramble more. Out now, leaving you with this quote and photo:

"Find yourself a cup of tea; the teapot is behind you. 

Now tell me about hundreds of things." 

~ Saki

Hong Kong Promenade

Just want to post some photos I took at Tsim Sha Tsui (TST) Waterfront Promenade in Hong Kong on my trip there last November 2009. TST is probably one of the most accessible and the cheapest spot to go to in HK that you simply cannot miss! Here are 5 things I love about it based on one fine winter afternoon visit:

1) Roses at the Promenade - After seeing these lovely blooms in TST, I have officially fallen in love with roses! :) Look, they were lovely, weren't they? *Sigh. See this album for more roses.

2) The famous harbour of HK - plus some cheap ferries sailing by. Riding a ferry is also a must try!

3) Photo op with a stranger - This Chinese looking guy asked me to join him for some photos at the Avenue of the Stars, why not chok-nut? He was looking at his camera; I was looking at mine! Hahaha! :) I love my yellow get-up and boots! Boots is love. :)

4) Oldies in the Promenade - I love the oldies at the Promenade too. I made a chitchat with this lolo fishing; stated that he'd been there for hours but wasn't able to catch any... till hallelujah!!! I came and he caught one small bloated fish!!! :) I could not forget his joy though not captured here! :)

In HK, you see most oldies and retired folks in the parks and in the promenades. I think that's why HK has so many parks and promenades fit for tambayan. This place is just an oldies friendly place. I wish Philippines could do the same.. but when oh when?!

5) And finally, SUNSET - I got there at almost sunset time so I stayed there till the sun hit the horizon for some sunset shots. I learned this famous TST sunset from a guy I met in Kowloon Park. He scrawled the direction in my notebook so off I went. :)

*** 

Some travel thoughts: My travel in Hong Kong (that lasted for almost a month) was a period of humbling and then trusting back the Author of my life again. What God may have taken away, I know he would replace it with something greater and grander. I just have to trust again and continue my walk with Him... one day at a time.