Heart Check

It's lunchtime. I'm munching and writing at the same time, hoping I could get some extra baggage in my heart out to words, out to this post. My birthday was three days ago and I still haven't completed a proper birthday post. :( I've been disorganized lately and I think it's time for a heart check.

I'm hurting, yes I am. I can't pinpoint exactly why but I guess it boils down to relationship issues and wrong self perceptions. When I say, relationship issues, I don't mean my relationship with fiance. So far, it's the only thing that's going well in my life and I'm not saying this for my own credit. The credit goes to God for enabling us to work this through despite the distance. It's by His grace alone. 

So, relationship issues. In my own honest assessment, I have not been a loving person lately as what my Savior would like me to be. I've been selfish and I'm hurting because I realized that I have not been receiving love because I'm not giving it. I've been so pre-occupied with work and wedding preps that I failed to be present to the people around me.  It is also because I'm wrestling with God's command to love despite and inspite of. It's me being disobedient that causes me this pain.

Another is my wrong self perceptions. I realized lately that I'm finding it hard to ask forgiveness of my own sins from God because I, myself, don't forgive easily when others offended me. My human tendency is to make tampo, or worst, to make revenge. That's the ugly side of me. Truth be told, that I am as ugly as this.

Also, I learned lately that what I perceive of myself is not what others perceive of me. I was surprised to know that people don't think of me as shy, when I thought I could die from being shy. Someone even thinks I have a strong personality, which to me is a big surprise because I never  ever think of myself as strong. There's also this leadership issues at work that I'm finding it hard to digest and to practice. Maybe, I just have to admit, humbly, that I have a lot to learn on being a leader. It goes without saying that, I have to be trained, that I have to make adjustments and learn to listen to criticisms.

In the end, I know it's about time to change heart, to pray more for God's power to change me. I certainly want to reach point B, to be a confident, clear leader. I certainly want to be a more loving, forgiving and caring person. I want to touch lives, I want to make a difference. Something in me says I can't do it and that it's easier to stay lax in relationships and be passive about improvements. But a much bigger side says I can do it and I want to do it because I want to be worthy of what God has given me.

Dear Lord, there might be something else that causing me this subtle pain in my heart. I pray Lord that you will speak to me. I want to learn from you Jesus. Forgive me for the hurts I caused to the people closest to me, forgive me for not acting on love, for being selfish, for being self-centered. Forgive me Lord, for not giving my best at work, for not being a good leader. Train me, Father God. Mold me, change me, remake me. This I pray.